Saturday, August 30, 2008

McCain, Obama, Palin and Biden go into a bar

Once upon a time, Obama, McCain, Biden and Palin were scheduled on the same flight to Ohio to campaign when they were grounded by a storm. They walk into the airport lounge and start drinking. Fortunately, everyone else in the bar had video recorders in their phones, cameras and hats, and we can pick up the conversation when they get loud.

Biden: I'm just saying, and I've said this before, and you've heard me say this, John, because, we're good friends, and friends are important, particularly in the Senate, and you know, or maybe you don't, but I'm certainly aware. . . .

Obama: Joe. Joe.

Biden: . . . that it goes without saying that not one person who thinks, and I'm all in favor of people thinking . . . .

Obama: JOE!

Biden: Sorry, boss. What's the matter?

Obama: Didn't we talk about this?

Biden: Sure, we've had lots of talks, but, you know. . . .

Obama: JOE! Look at me. Joseph. Stop. Ah! Look . . . at . . . me. Good. Now, remember, short sentences and wait for someone else to reply.

Biden: 'Kay.

Palin: I’ve been in National politics for 15 seconds and already I want to gag him.

McCain: Don't feel sorry for yourself, baby doll. I've had to listen to that blowhard for 25 years. Bet you can't name the other Senator from Delaware, Barack.

Palin: (to herself) Baby doll?

Obama: Ummm. No. Who is it?

McCain: No one knows. He was seated on a plane next to Joe and when they had to circle before landing he couldn't take it anymore and jumped.

They all laugh, including Joe.

Obama: What I was trying to say before Joe's filibuster is that I can't win. Either I'm an Uncle Tom or I’m bought and paid for by the Black Caucus. Just pick one, please.

McCain: Now that isn't true. We all look at you as a human, not as a black man or a white man, or a gook.

Palin (whispering to McCain): Psss, John, you can't say gook. You have to use another word.

McCain: Oh, is gook not good anymore, Sugar pants? No offense. I should have said the yellow man.

Palin: (to herself) What did I do to myself?

Biden: Sheesh. And they say I can't control my mouth.

Obama: Look, I'm not Asian, anyway. OK?

McCain: Really? Sorry. I just noticed the high yallow coloring and . . .

Obama: OK, that's it. Now I seriously have to kick your ass. You can't say that to a black man, you mummified honky.

McCain: No offense meant, my friends (laughs grandly). Actually, you look more Vietcong to me.

McCain goes glassy eyed.

Biden: I think he's having a flashback. Or . . . .

McCain: Szzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Obama: Look, I'm bi-racial. Is that so hard for old guys to understand?

Palin: I have no problem with that. (She shakes McCain) It's just you seem to be black one day and bi-racial the next. How come you never say you are white?

Obama: Well, I identify with blacks because we've been persecuted.

Palin: Persecuted? You live in a mansion. Your suits cost more than my home town.

The white guys laugh and slap five.

Obama: JOE!

Biden: I'm sorry. It was funny. And you won't let me say anything.

Obama: Maybe I'm just worried you'll steal something I said.

Biden: You know, that plagiarism thing is getting old. Were you even out of diapers when that one was passed around, Bambi?

Obama: Don't go whining again, Joe. If I wanted whining I would have asked Hillary to be VP.

Palin: Careful. There she is, Barack.

Obama: (Ducks his head and furtively looks around) That's not funny, Sweetie.

Palin: (sputtering) S-s-s-sweetie?

Obama: I have been persecuted. You guys wouldn't know from that.

McCain (raising his hand): HelllO! Prisoner of war here. 5 1/2 years. Torrrrrrtured.

Obama: Wah! Wah! Wah! Here we go with the poor little war Admiral’s son story. You're starting to sound like "9/11" Giuliani. . . . . Hey, Joe, can I get a chuckle.

Biden: Hah, hah, hah, hah, hah, hah. Hoooo boy. Yep, my wife is gorgeous.

Palin (to the bartender): The guy with the big teeth and balding yellow hair is cut off. Now, wait a minute, Barack. You can't talk to a vet like that. John McCain is an American hero (whispering - John, your hand is on my leg).

Obama: He got shot down and beat up. Big whoop. Any pro wrestler can do that and make it look more realistic.

Palin: You boys think you know persecution. Try being a mayor of a town where the collective IQ is lower than the seal catch every spring. Try being a governor and every male cashier and janitor you have lunch with still expects you to clean up after them.

McCain: (into his hand) Bee-otch.

Palin: Drop dead, you stupid old man.

McCain: I knew I should have gone with Lieberman.

Obama: (pretending to sneeze into his hand). Aah aah aah-Jew!

They all laugh and Obama and McCain give high fives.

Palin: Oy veh!

They all crack up and pound the table.

Biden: Ah, that was rich. Can I say something?

Obama, McCain and Palin: NO!

Obama: I'm just saying that you whitees don't know what it's like to be pulled over and questioned by the police because you were driving while black.

McCain: For crying out loud, Barack, they beat me so bad I cried for longer than you've been in the Senate. They wouldn't set my broken bones. I lost over five years.

Biden: Like that's as bad as having to turn over your driver's license on a rainy day.

Obama: Just shut up, Joe, or I put the shock collar back on.

Biden (Put's his hand over his own mouth): Srrybss.

Palin: I admit blacks still have issues in America, but a black man with a law degree from Harvard can make out his own ticket. You have no ideas what barriers there still are for women.

Obama: Women! You mean like women who are beaten fair and square in a contest AND JUST WON’T GIVE UP? LIKE WOMEN WHO STARE DAGGERS AT THEIR HUSBANDS BECAUSE YOU CAN’T READ THEIR FRIGGIN’ MINDS? PERSECUTED? MORE LIKE BLOOD SUCKING VAMPIRES. I mean that respectfully, of course.

Palin: So much for liberal tolerance.

Obama: I'm tolerant. And I still am getting heat from Southern Democrats and Republicans for choosing a Catholic VP.

Biden: Hey, I'm Catholic too.

Obama: I was talking about you, moron.

Palin: Well, at least I'm not a Muslim.

Obama (standing): Oh, I am so telling the media on you. Where's Brokaw?

McCain: Look under you. The whole media’s got their head up your ass, soldier.

Biden laughs hysterically and Obama glares at him.

Biden: I'm sorry. I just love it when McCain does that whole military tough guy humor thing.

Obama: Look. I am not a Muslim. Not that there is anything wrong with it. But, you know, wait a second -- is there any media around?

Biden: No, Boss.

Obama: OK, to tell the truth, those guys give me the creeps. Especially the ones who use their shirts for hats. Muslims think they are the new blacks but they haven’t suffered as much.

Biden: I don't know. The swamp Arabs and the Kurds, for example . . . .

Obama: JOEEEE! (To McCain and Palin behind his hand) He's been like this ever since I told him I need his foreign policy advice. Palestinians, Kurds, Abadabadooistan. I have no idea what he babbling about?

Biden: All right, all right, that’s it. I'm getting a little sick of your whole victim mentality, too. I mean, McCain's been tortured, Palin isn’t taking serious because she’s a foxy little minx . . . .

Palin: He really is a human gaffe machine.

Biden: Sorry, foxy little minx is one of those subtle racial or misogynist things I say that I get forgiven for because, frankly, I’m considered a little daffy. But, seriously, guys, I lost my wife and daughter in an accident. That was really tough and please make it into a joke. I don't want to hear how the rest of you think you suffered.

There is silence at the table for a minute as they all look down, broken by --

McCain: Where are we and why is there a gook at my table?

Palin (head in hands): Good God. Al Zeimer here is going to be MY boss. AND TAKE YOUR HAND OFF MY KNEE you albino walking corpse.

Biden: Don't you complain. I'm taking orders from a black guy. Oops, there I go again. Didn't mean anything by that. Look at my record. Somebody get Sharpton on the phone.

An airline pilot approaches.

Pilot: I'm sorry, folks, but I have to tell you that your flight has been commandeered for some VIPs and frankly, it’s no contest.

Biden: Who is more important than us? Not the Pope?

Obama (shaking his fist): I bet it’s those Clintons!

McCain (getting in a rage) That Bush!

Pilot (shakes his head): Nope. Brangelina.

2 comments:

  1. Anonymous2:59 PM

    definitely gave me a chuckle...very good on short notice.
    -Don

    ReplyDelete
  2. You funny.

    ReplyDelete

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I started this blog in September, 2006. Mostly, it is where I can talk about things that interest me, which I otherwise don't get to do all that much, about some remarkable people who should not be forgotten, philosophy and theories (like Don Foster's on who wrote A Visit From St. Nicholas and my own on whether Santa is mostly derived from a Norse god) and analysis of issues that concern me. Often it is about books. I try to quote accurately and to say when I am paraphrasing (more and more). Sometimes I blow the first name of even very famous people, often entertainers. I'm much better at history, but once in a while I see I have written something I later learned was not true. Sometimes I fix them, sometimes not. My worst mistake was writing that Beethoven went blind, when he actually went deaf. Feel free to point out an error. I either leave in the mistake, or, if I clean it up, the comment pointing it out. From time to time I do clean up grammar in old posts as, over time I have become more conventional in my grammar, and I very often write these when I am falling asleep and just make dumb mistakes. It be nice to have an editor, but . . . .