The New Miss Malaprop IV

I have written here a few times of my evalovin' gf, affectionately known as my "insignificant other," my "25 to life sentence," my "ball and chainsaw," my "girl-fuhrer" and "the warden." And she is also known as the new Miss Malaprop. If you haven't read the previous editions of her witticisms, you really should take a look. They are enlightening. I usually like to start by saying I know that I (known as "D" in these posts) may seem elitist. I get it. But, I can't help it and don't be so sure you could either. Miss Malaprop, you should know, is not phased by my revealing her word-play. She's come to enjoy it almost as much as I do, pretty much the way Yogi Berra did. 

She loves to tell me of all the things I do wrong (I even open potato chip bags wrong), but she has her weaknesses, and geography is among the greatest of them. One night, we were watching a tv show we had seen many times before:

P: Where do you think this is supposed to take place? California? Arizona? Las Vegas?

D: What's the name of the show?
P: 'NCIS L.A.'  Oh, yeah.

Another time she was surfing looking on facebook, when she came across a friend who posted some travel pics:

P: "Oh, it says she went to the United . . . Kingdom."

D: "Which is where?"

P: "Germany?"

D: "No."
P: "France?"
D: "Look at the screen. . . ."
P: "England."
D: "Good enough."

She likes facebook. Another day, she was looking at my brother's page:

Patty - "It says on facebook your brother was in a gay parliament."

D: "Do you know what a 'parliament' is?"
P: "It's a cigarette."
D: "Well, that is true."

Well, it was true. Another one of her "specialties" is math. One weekend we were trying to mix together a solution to spray on the roof tiles. She was mixing and I was reading the box:

D: "You need 1 quart."

P: "Okay."
D: "So, this is a gallon. You need 1/4th of it."
P: "Okay."
D: "Do you know how much 1/4th is?"
P: "More than one half?"
D: "Seriously, how did you graduate high school?"
P: "I just did."

Another subject that often comes up is wild life. One day we were sitting at our favorite beach looking at some large aquatic birds:

P: "Look. Doves."

D: "I know I'm in one of those tv shows. Where's the camera?"
P: "Wait. Not doves. Swans!"

That may sound like just a harmless blip. But, it gets worse. Soon after we were sitting in the backyard of a bed and breakfast. The owner had a parrot which she would let sit in a tree during the day:

P: "I don't understand why she lets it sit in the tree. Isn't she afraid an eel will get it?"

D: "An eel? Really? Seriously? Oh, you mean a flying eel."
P: "Okay, not an eel. You know what I mean."
D: "At least doves and swans are white birds."
P: "Hold on. Give me a second."
D: "Okay, where does an eel live?"
P: "In the water. It's a fish."
D: "Right. So maybe something with wings, you think?"
P:  "A hawk."
D: "Now I understand the confusion. Practically the same thing."

This next one I would fit in the category of movies. We were waiting for a table at a restaurant when:

P: "So, I watched a pretty good movie last night, Hooters."
D: "Really? Hooters? Are you sure? Sounds like soft-core porn."
P: "Yeah, Hooters."
[Later]
D: "I really don't think the name of that movie you watched was Hooters? What was it about?"
P: "Basketball. Hooters. H-o-o-s-i-e-r-s."
D: "Amazing."

We also differ quite a bit about neatness. I like a little mess (she would say a lot). She barely stops cleaning. But, let me demonstrate. I was sitting in my easy chair downstairs with all my stuff around me.

P:  "Here, you said you wanted a garbage can for the downstairs bedroom but you make a bigger mess next to your chair so I'm putting it here next to you."

D: "Okay."
P: "Just put it back there . . . oh my God, look at the garbage down there. Put that in the can."
D: "Okay."
[So, I put the bottle and a little used blood pressure machine I'm chucking in the can.]
P: "Now give it to me."
D: "What?"        
P: "The garbage can."
D: "Why?"
P: "So I can throw that stuff out."
D: "Are you crazy? You don't put stuff in a garbage can and then immediately throw it out?"
P: "Yes you do."
D: "So why don't you just stand here and I'll hand the stuff to you? The whole point of having a garbage can here is so you don't have to do that."
P: "Give it."
D: "Okay."

And there is also an issue about driving. I've recently learned speaking to my friends that we are hardly the only couple that fights about driving. But, it's a major problem with us. I do curse and scream at things, usually my computer, but I can't take the warfare with other drivers when she gets behind the wheel. Driving to Boston for the weekend, we stopped for a break and when we were getting back in the car, she wanted the keys, raising the usual issue:

P - "I want to drive."

D - "Do you promise not to fight with anyone?"
P - "Fine."
(Two seconds later)
P - "ARE YOU KIDDING ME, MISTER? GO ALREADY!!!"
D - "Oh my God. We didn't even get out of the parking lot."

But, such is my life. Like Charlie Brown, I keep believing she's going to hold that ole pigskin for me.

Last, just a couple of beauts that are hard to categorize:

"He doesn’t rule the rooster here."  Rule the Rooster?

And I think this one is appropriately last:

D: “Why are you home today?”

P: “I decided to take a mental day.”
D: “Pretty sure you take one of those every day.”

When I don't want to kill her, it is kind of fun.

The New Miss Malaprop III

It is never too soon for another New Miss Malaprop post (previous ones, definitely worth reading, posted on 4/26/07 and 6/1/12). These are the golden words of my immortal beloved, who frequently dazzles me with gem after gem. I do my best to copy them down as close as I can to the original words we both said. That isn't always easy, and might not be 100% accurate, but it is close enough.

I do realize that telling these may make me seem mean to some, or perhaps a pompous old geezer, but her tendency to malapropisms is really my favorite thing about her. We do have our tussles, but not about things like this. Of course, she thinks it's hysterical when I can't do a simple mechanical thing. Of course, she doesn't think it's funny when I forget . . . almost everything or can't fix anything (although I'm good at breaking most anything). Anyway, she only reads my blog in the hopes I mention her, so . . .

die mirabilis

Einstein had his annus mirabilis - year of miracles, when he wrote and published four ground breaking papers, including the most famous one on relativity (ironically, not the one for which he later won the Nobel Prize). The New Miss Malaprop recently had a die mirabilis - day of miracles, when we were visiting NYC and she spontaneously came out with these beauts.

We are in the car driving to New York City and she feels she has scored a point:

M[alaprop] : Really blew you out of the window that time.
D[avid]: Water.
M: What water?
D: The expression is "blew you out of the water," not "window."
M: Paper can blow out a window.
D: Uuuuh. . . yeah. That's still not the expression.

For some reason, she rarely seems to get that I am kidding around no matter how ridiculous the things that I say are. We've been doing it for 23 years. Sometimes, she concludes that I'm just an idiot to believe what I say. Next, we are still in the car and that commercial for 1-800 Cars for Kids with its unmistakable and catchy theme song comes on the radio. I can't help myself:

D: I don't understand this song.

M: It's about selling your car and donating it to kids.
D: Those aren't good lyrics. Who is it by?
M: You know, at some things you are very smart, but about things like this you are really stupid. It's a commercial.
D: Really? That can't be right.

Vocabulary is not her strong point. A little later, we wind up behind a vehicle with consular plates:

M: That must be a conciet?
D: What's a conciet?
M: Like in a hotel. The person who gets you things.
D: Oy.

We park the car and are walking near the Henry Hudson Parkway. Seeing a sign for it she says:
 

M: That's the Henry Hudson Parkway.

D: Do you know who he was?
M: Probably some guy from the Civil War.
D: Yes, that's exactly who he was. [obviously smirking]
M: Then he's probably some guy who died on that road and they named it after him.
D: Right. And then they named the river after the street, I guess.
M: Oh, right, the Hudson River. I guess I don't know who he was.
D: Do you want to know?

M: No, I really don't care.

D: Imagine my surprise.
 

A little while later we were taking a walk in Riverside Park. A couple passes going the other way speaking a foreign language:
 

M: Did you hear that? They are non-speaking English people.

D: I think you mean non-English speaking people.
M: Yes, non-Speaking English people.
D: No.  Non-English speaking people.
M: I know. That's what you just said.

After lunch, we are taking a leisurely walk back towards the car. We are at 101st St. heading towards 88th St.

D: Hmmm. I wonder how many blocks we have to go?
M: Probably about 20.
D: How do you manage?
M: Well, we are at 101st and we are going to 88th, so about 27.
D: You really can't do math, can you?
M: Not under pressure.
D: Oh, you are definitely under a lot of pressure.
At other times when I'm kidding, she realizes it, but it just makes her mad. I understand that even less than her not knowing I'm kidding. Nevertheless, at the end of the day, driving home while still in Manhattan, we pass a guy hailing a cab:

D: See, I told you people are signaling me.  That guy on the corner just waved at me.
M: What guy?
D: That guy on the corner there. See him waving his arm and looking down the road.
M: [Sneering] Please. He's not waving at you.

[A little later]

D: See, now that guy is signaling me?
M: Who?
D: That guy. He's standing by the curb holding his finger up. The one the cab just pulled up to.
M: [Angrily] I think you know perfectly well what that is. You just like to pretend.
D: [Sheepishly] No I don't.

The best of the rest

That was quite a day. The rest of these were made at other times. But, still funny. Like Gomez Addams, I love it when she speaks French.

M: Oh, well. C'est la vie.

D: Do you know what "c'est la vie" means?
M: [Cockily] Au revoir. Good bye.
D: Uh huh.

This next one is now one of my all time favorites. I was watching a football game on tv soon after the World Series ended, when: 

M: So, Boston lost?

D: No, Boston won.
M: So, why are you watching this?
D: What?
M: If there aren't any more games until the World Series?
D: What are you talking about? The series is over. Boston won.
M: You know, at the end of the year when they play the World Series and everyone watches it together.
D: Oh my God. How is it possible you know less about sports than anyone in the world? This is football. The Super Bowl is the last game of the season. It has nothing to do with the World Series. That's baseball. They're entirely different sports.
M: [Silence]
D: You're really embarrassed, aren't you?
M: Yeah.

In this next one she may have actually invented something when she saw my hair standing on end from static electricity:

 

M: You get all peacocked out.

Speaking of birds, one day while we were walking some geese were flying overhead, honking:

M: Listen - they're flying east.

D: (smiling at her)
M: West?
D: (Still smiling)
M: South?

 

And, last, showing off her knowledge of automobiles:

 

It was her Cadillac converter.

Of geography:

I love Baltimore. It’s a great state.

*

Where was it? London? England? One of those two places.

Of politics:

I'm voting for McRomney.

Of restaurant criticism:

They are really bobulated. (If you are having trouble there, she meant discom. . .)

Of philosophy - Don't ask me how this one came up. It's a long story]

A gym locker is the same as a house because they both have keys.

D: Sometimes your ethics amaze me.

M: I don't like all your ethnics either.

Of astronomy:

The moon just stands there but the sun goes round and round.

Of relationships - discussing a friend whose girlfriend thinks he is wonderful:

D: You never really thought that I was wonderful the way some women feel about their men.

M:  I don't think you are horrible.
D: Really? Can you put that on my tombstone? "He wasn't horrible."

Of popular sayings:

Don't pull my wool.

And lest you think these are dated in any way, let me just add one from last night. It is appropriate it happened on Thanksgiving, as I give thanks for these brilliant little malapropisms all the time.

It was further and morther.

Morther?

The New Miss Malaprop II

Way back in 2007 I wrote a post called the new Miss Malaprop, enshrining the verbal gems of the lady also known as my "insignificant other" (our pet name for each other, in case you were wondering), or below as "P" (and I am "D").  She's still active in the field, but I haven't gotten any better since the last post in recording her work. I'm always sure I will remember one of them later, but if I don't write it down instantly - poof - it's gone.  You can look back at the earlier post (4/26/07) to introduce yourself to her or refresh your recollection. Like a man slipping on a banana, they don't get old.

This is a much shorter list than the last one, as it covers fewer years, but some of them are just as funny. Like the last time, I use the term “malapropism” very loosely to cover all types of language mangling or just funny stuff, like this first one: 

The curious conversation

P: "You don’t even know Jesus."
D: "I know more about him than you."
P: "No you don’t."
D: "Okay, name the four gospels."
P: "Old or New Testament?"
D: (chuckling)
P: "I don’t know. 1, 2, 3 and 4?"

*

D: "Don’t be so intransigent."
P: "I'm not in transit!"

*

D: "I really don’t need more than three plates in my house."
P: "What if you have a big shin ding?"

The substituted word:

"I refuse to answer upon the grounds I may be discriminated."

*

"It’s not worthwild."

*

"I told him to charm right in if he had something to say."

The mixed or fractured metaphor:

(Shaking her head) "How little they forget."

*

"She finally saw the dawn at the end of the tunnel." (This one is so very subtle. She actually mixes three metaphors here - "It dawned on her," "She finally saw the light," and, "There's a light at the end of the tunnel," yet, somehow, when she blends them, for a moment it seems right. Genius.) 

*

 “Don’t you know the expression, 'let sleeping babies lie?'”

Miscellaneous:

And perhaps my recent favorite -

"You would think that after 30 years he would speak well English."

Well, Good night, Gracie.