The New Miss Malaprop IV

I have written here a few times of my evalovin' gf, affectionately known as my "insignificant other," my "25 to life sentence," my "ball and chainsaw," my "girl-fuhrer" and "the warden." And she is also known as the new Miss Malaprop. If you haven't read the previous editions of her witticisms, you really should take a look. They are enlightening. I usually like to start by saying I know that I (known as "D" in these posts) may seem elitist. I get it. But, I can't help it and don't be so sure you could either. Miss Malaprop, you should know, is not phased by my revealing her word-play. She's come to enjoy it almost as much as I do, pretty much the way Yogi Berra did. 

She loves to tell me of all the things I do wrong (I even open potato chip bags wrong), but she has her weaknesses, and geography is among the greatest of them. One night, we were watching a tv show we had seen many times before:

P: Where do you think this is supposed to take place? California? Arizona? Las Vegas?

D: What's the name of the show?
P: 'NCIS L.A.'  Oh, yeah.

Another time she was surfing looking on facebook, when she came across a friend who posted some travel pics:

P: "Oh, it says she went to the United . . . Kingdom."

D: "Which is where?"

P: "Germany?"

D: "No."
P: "France?"
D: "Look at the screen. . . ."
P: "England."
D: "Good enough."

She likes facebook. Another day, she was looking at my brother's page:

Patty - "It says on facebook your brother was in a gay parliament."

D: "Do you know what a 'parliament' is?"
P: "It's a cigarette."
D: "Well, that is true."

Well, it was true. Another one of her "specialties" is math. One weekend we were trying to mix together a solution to spray on the roof tiles. She was mixing and I was reading the box:

D: "You need 1 quart."

P: "Okay."
D: "So, this is a gallon. You need 1/4th of it."
P: "Okay."
D: "Do you know how much 1/4th is?"
P: "More than one half?"
D: "Seriously, how did you graduate high school?"
P: "I just did."

Another subject that often comes up is wild life. One day we were sitting at our favorite beach looking at some large aquatic birds:

P: "Look. Doves."

D: "I know I'm in one of those tv shows. Where's the camera?"
P: "Wait. Not doves. Swans!"

That may sound like just a harmless blip. But, it gets worse. Soon after we were sitting in the backyard of a bed and breakfast. The owner had a parrot which she would let sit in a tree during the day:

P: "I don't understand why she lets it sit in the tree. Isn't she afraid an eel will get it?"

D: "An eel? Really? Seriously? Oh, you mean a flying eel."
P: "Okay, not an eel. You know what I mean."
D: "At least doves and swans are white birds."
P: "Hold on. Give me a second."
D: "Okay, where does an eel live?"
P: "In the water. It's a fish."
D: "Right. So maybe something with wings, you think?"
P:  "A hawk."
D: "Now I understand the confusion. Practically the same thing."

This next one I would fit in the category of movies. We were waiting for a table at a restaurant when:

P: "So, I watched a pretty good movie last night, Hooters."
D: "Really? Hooters? Are you sure? Sounds like soft-core porn."
P: "Yeah, Hooters."
[Later]
D: "I really don't think the name of that movie you watched was Hooters? What was it about?"
P: "Basketball. Hooters. H-o-o-s-i-e-r-s."
D: "Amazing."

We also differ quite a bit about neatness. I like a little mess (she would say a lot). She barely stops cleaning. But, let me demonstrate. I was sitting in my easy chair downstairs with all my stuff around me.

P:  "Here, you said you wanted a garbage can for the downstairs bedroom but you make a bigger mess next to your chair so I'm putting it here next to you."

D: "Okay."
P: "Just put it back there . . . oh my God, look at the garbage down there. Put that in the can."
D: "Okay."
[So, I put the bottle and a little used blood pressure machine I'm chucking in the can.]
P: "Now give it to me."
D: "What?"        
P: "The garbage can."
D: "Why?"
P: "So I can throw that stuff out."
D: "Are you crazy? You don't put stuff in a garbage can and then immediately throw it out?"
P: "Yes you do."
D: "So why don't you just stand here and I'll hand the stuff to you? The whole point of having a garbage can here is so you don't have to do that."
P: "Give it."
D: "Okay."

And there is also an issue about driving. I've recently learned speaking to my friends that we are hardly the only couple that fights about driving. But, it's a major problem with us. I do curse and scream at things, usually my computer, but I can't take the warfare with other drivers when she gets behind the wheel. Driving to Boston for the weekend, we stopped for a break and when we were getting back in the car, she wanted the keys, raising the usual issue:

P - "I want to drive."

D - "Do you promise not to fight with anyone?"
P - "Fine."
(Two seconds later)
P - "ARE YOU KIDDING ME, MISTER? GO ALREADY!!!"
D - "Oh my God. We didn't even get out of the parking lot."

But, such is my life. Like Charlie Brown, I keep believing she's going to hold that ole pigskin for me.

Last, just a couple of beauts that are hard to categorize:

"He doesn’t rule the rooster here."  Rule the Rooster?

And I think this one is appropriately last:

D: “Why are you home today?”

P: “I decided to take a mental day.”
D: “Pretty sure you take one of those every day.”

When I don't want to kill her, it is kind of fun.