Thursday, January 21, 2010

Save the Tiger

Now I'm really mad.

So, anyway, where was I? Oh, years ago, when Trivial Pursuit was new, my brother and I decided on a World Championship match for which we were careful not to invite anyone else to play. He won the first game, and I the second. The third was for it all – bragging rights forever. And, I was getting trounced.

At some point, with me way behind and with one last chance before his last question, my sister-in-law came in the house and sat down. I told her that I was about to take over the game. And, I did get 10 questions in a row right, until I was now at the last question too – the one where my brother got to choose from which of the six subjects I would have to field a question. If I got it wrong, and he got his next question right, he would win. Naturally, he picked the one subject I was weakest in – entertainment. I don't blame him.

The question was as follows (although I have to paraphrase): What film did Jack Lemon win an Oscar for? Now, I was not a huge Jack Lemon fan. I had rarely seen him in anything. But, fortunately, I was able to say as follows (again, obviously, I paraphrase): “You know, since I was a very little boy, I have only gone once with my parents to one single movie. And the name of that movie was – Save the Tiger.”

And this is the way I won the World Championship of Trivial Pursuit. Now, leaving aside your loathing of my celebration of as inconsequential of a victory as exists, it gives me the title of this post – Save the Tiger, which has nothing to do with Trivial Pursuit, but the most famous Tiger in the world – Woods.

Which brings me to why I'm mad.

Nothing brings out the irrational cultural prejudices of people like sex. I’m not here to defend cheating spouses. Of course, it's wrong. Even people who cheat usually think so. Although, we have to face it – so many people do it (I’d say based on a lot of notoriously unreliable surveys – 15-20% at some point in their marriage – a little more men than women), that we shouldn’t be so quick to judge strangers harder than we do our own friends and relatives just because they are famous.

And I’ve already voiced here the hypocrisy of all these media types piling on him and calling him names when they don’t out their own friends and co-workers. Is his adultery somehow worse because he’s a celebrity? Why is he singled out and no one mentions David Letterman or Shaquille O’Neal or any of the many Hollywood stars who get reported on wandering every year? Are they not famous enough to up their moral requirements? You'd think so.

It’s not the sheer numbers of women he has been with (I’ve heard between 9 and 50 - who knows?) as this was a media storm since the first day when only one was suspected? The numbers just made it juicier.

I’m talking today about poor Tiger, a huge superstar probably blessed with very high testosterone, who must now pretend that his desire to have sex with various other women is a mental illness, or at least an uncontrollable behavior problem that needs to be treated at a sex addiction clinic.

No doubt, Tiger is feeling all this in his pocket book. I’m not sure how much money he actually needs to get by ridiculously comfortably – If he's not a billionaire, he's something like it – even if he gives his wife half and pays child support. But, is this the reason he is undergoing this humiliation?

Or, is this the new modern price men have to face when they cheat on their wives? Leaving aside that none of us know why he cheated – the presumption is that it is because he could and wanted to, but we’ll leave that aside too. Will wives (studies show women report they are more likely to cheat once, not multiple times, and for an emotional reason) now require husbands to accept that they are mentally unstable as an explanation? Will celebrities gravitate towards this because it’s a good excuse – “I couldn’t help it – I was compelled?”

Of course, it is all greatly enhanced when the person is a celebrity and the media needs a mea culpa and period of supposed remorsefulness, before the celebrity is let back into the good life, by many people who are just as guilty of doing the same thing he did.

Here's my open letter to Tiger:

Take heart, oh tiger of the links, and face your adversaries in the media with a fierceness becoming your namesake.

Admit you had sex with many women, and that you did it because you could, because you are Tiger Woods. Say, sure I love my wife, but I had incredible opportunities I couldn’t turn down, and many of you would or have done the same thing. Raise your hand if you deny it.

And if you have a reason for the adultery that you think is your wife’s fault and she has insisted that you are mentally ill, rather than a dog of a man, then say it out loud. Though she may be as pure as the new driven snow, maybe she’s not either. I for one, would like to know. But, not to be unfair to her, if she is blameless, and she has not engaged in any behavior that has landed you in a clinic, then remain silent about it. Your a tiger, but not a monster.

And, mock the media. Ask each inquisitor if they or anyone they know in the media world has been unfaithful, and why they haven’t outed them. Laugh at the men and tell them that even if you were wrong to do it, you know they are jealous and would have loved to have made the same mistakes, if they only could - if only they were a tiger too.

And tell them it is none of their business and snarl at them. You have enough money to pick out a few of your inquisitors and hire investigators to target their lives. Pick ten of them - political pundits are best - and I will guarantee you will find some messing around. Even if they find no unfaithfulness, they will find some people somewhere who don’t like them or think little of them, and you can publicize that. This worked for the Scientologists against the IRS and it will work for you.

None of this will do you any good with the media and the public except for those people who will appreciate your honesty and are sick of this phony bologna hypocritical and non-sensical faux-morality. I’m sure that the golfing world, in love with what you bring them – money - will want you back. If not, will not your hundreds of millions satisfy you?

You can never regain public adoration, by those who now oppress you, by caving to them. Fight. You know how to do it. You are a tiger, dammit. Roar.

4 comments:

  1. Tiger7:37 PM

    That was brilliant. Why didn't I think of that?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Talk about your male revenge fantasies.... this is almost as good as watching Deathwish, or Dirty Harry movies. We will never own up to our real sex lives because we are not in control. Despite all appearances, women run the PR department when it comes to sex.

    ReplyDelete
  3. LMFAO!!!!!!
    -Don

    ReplyDelete
  4. And I, a suspected luddite, actually know what LMFAO means.

    ReplyDelete

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About Me

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I started this blog in September, 2006. Mostly, it is where I can talk about things that interest me, which I otherwise don't get to do all that much, about some remarkable people who should not be forgotten, philosophy and theories (like Don Foster's on who wrote A Visit From St. Nicholas and my own on whether Santa is mostly derived from a Norse god) and analysis of issues that concern me. Often it is about books. I try to quote accurately and to say when I am paraphrasing (more and more). Sometimes I blow the first name of even very famous people, often entertainers. I'm much better at history, but once in a while I see I have written something I later learned was not true. Sometimes I fix them, sometimes not. My worst mistake was writing that Beethoven went blind, when he actually went deaf. Feel free to point out an error. I either leave in the mistake, or, if I clean it up, the comment pointing it out. From time to time I do clean up grammar in old posts as, over time I have become more conventional in my grammar, and I very often write these when I am falling asleep and just make dumb mistakes. It be nice to have an editor, but . . . .