Ivy League Follies

TOP SECRET TRANSCRIPT OF PRESIDENT BUSH AND PRESIDENT-ELECT OBAMA’S FIRST MEETING

Bush: Barack. Please sit down. First, let me congratulate, y’all.
Obama: Thank you, Mr. President.
Bush: Now you call me George. We’re on the same team.
Obama: I appreciate that. You know what I want to know first?
Bush: Of course I do. Same thing I wanted to know when I first got here. No, there are no aliens at Area 51.
Obama: That’s disappointing.
Bush: We keep ‘em here in the White House basement next to Cheney’s cage so he can throw rocks at them.
Obama: My cousin is locked in the basement?
Bush: Sure is, ever since the whole shotgun thing and if I were you, I’d lock your friend Joe the Biden down there too. There’s a whole lot of problem gone for you right there.
Obama: Wait a minute. Go back. There are space aliens in the basement?
Bush: Oh, space aliens? The space aliens we keep at Guantanamo Bay. But, that’s not important right now. The important thing is that I know you fully understand the main purpose of this office.
Bush/Obama together: The Harvard/Yale Full Employment Act (sound of palms slapping)
Obama: Can we do the count?
Bush: You do the call and I’ll respond.
Obama: Okay, outgoing president.
Bush: That’s me. I’m a little bit Haaaahvad, a little bit Yale!
Obama: Incoming President.
Bush: You. There’s Hahhhhhvad in your past.
Obama: Bill Clinton.
Bush: Wild Bill’s a Yalee. Throw in Hillary for good measure, too. Another Yale grad.
Obama: Clinton’s predecessor.
Bush: That’s my pop. A Skull n’ Bones Yalee!
Obama: The Supreme Court.
Bush: Ummm, six Hahhhhhhvads and two Yalees!
Obama: Wait, that’s only eight of nine.
(Barely audible sound of beer can opening)
Bush: I know, but Cheney says that was Ford’s doing. He nominated that old guy, Stevens, in ’75.
Obama: But, Ford was fromYale! What was he thinking?
Bush: What can I say? But you’ll get to put in another Harvard guy soon enough. If you get to pick four or more of them, make sure you give us another one fromYale, though.
Obama: I love it. While the press is all focused on politics as usual, I’ll slip in more Harvard alums. Frankly, I could care what he believes as long as he’s wearing crimson underwear.
Bush: Careful, Barack. It could be a woman. You want the press jumping down your throat so soon?
Obama: Ooops. Please don’t tell Michelle I said that.
(Barely audible sound of fist bump).
Bush: Now, let’s look at policies. We got the Iraq problem.
Obama: I’m on it. Don’t worry. We’re not leaving until Bank of America, McDonalds and Burger King all have franchises.
Bush: Good. You got it. Now, we also got the Iranian nuclear problem.
Obama: You old dog. You can say “nuclear” perfectly well.
Bush: Of course I can. You think after eight years I couldn’t learn how to say it? I just like messing with the press’s heads. Gets them all excited and they don’t pay attention to what you are talking about.
Obama: I have to remember that. Say, you know how I sometimes flatten out the end of “America.” Maybe that will be my thing. Sort of hypnotize them with it.
Bush: Now you’re thinking. Hey, one last thing. Take this.
(barely audible sound of paper being opened)
Obama: What’s this?
Bush: That’s bin Laden’s address. If there is some big problem you just can’t handle, you may have to send Petraeus over with some boys to take ‘em out. But, this is our big show, so make sure you only use it when there’s a real crisis that you have to get the country’s mind off? Personally, I never had to use it.
Obama: But why didn’t you play this card last month when the economy was collapsing.
Bush: Because, my friend. That’s was McCain’s problem. (undesignated sound of beer can opening and an “aaahhh” sound). And he’s not even Ivy League. Now, if you’ll excuse me. I have to start writing Scooter Libby’s pardon papers. He’s another Yale boy, you know.