I got a copy of Joe Biden's notes for his inauguration speech - Yes, I know this is pure fantasy. It's what I'd like his speech to be. But, enjoy it anyway.
"My fellow Americans.
I give me inauguration speech with a heavy heart. Because, I lied to you. Not just once. And not like I've lied to you in years before. Hey, I've admitted I lied before when I was caught plagiarizing and apparently, it doesn't matter at all.
No, I'm serious. When I say I've lied to you, I mean that for the past year or so, since I started running for president again, I've been lying more than a dog-faced pony soldier. About pretty much everything.
Now, there aren't a lot of people here. Thanks to the (holds up fingers for "air quotes") the insurrectionists who chased our Congressmen and Senators around . . . wait a second. There are congresswomen and women senators too? Seriously? I take your word for it, but it just doesn't seem right. . . the Vice President was a Senator? Okay. And let me add that my vice president, Kobama Harris. . . sorry. Ka-ma-la? Sounds like they pulled a switcheroo on me there. I know someone said Kobama before. Anyway, Ka-ma-la . . . sounds funny that way . . . actually is the first African-American in the executive branch. . . and her husband is Jewish, if you can believe that. No, I'm serious. It's all legal now. Sorry . . . that's what I meant, she's the first black woman in the executive office other than President Obama.
What was I saying? Oh, thanks to (holds up fingers for "air quotes") the insurrectionists, no one is here except me, my wife Kobama and VP Dr. Jill and some guys who are dressed like the Blues Brothers, but, giving away my age with that reference I guess. Anyway, my . . . sorry, it's my wife who is Dr. Jill, which I just learned, and Kobama is the VP. Another switcheroo. Guys, really, it's a stressful day. Can we get some name tags? I've just been passed a note from one of the Blues Bros. that they are actually my secret service detail. Okay. Not much of a secret now that I told everyone, but, whatever.
Anyway, and I mean this seriously, I pretty much lied about everything. It didn't matter because when the media is on your side like this one, I mean, in the bag, you can lie all you want. Hell, if I had wanted to, I could have been caught red-handed in some obscene financial scandal and just about everyone would have ignored it. Oh, hell, why don't I just say it? My family and I made millions of dollars off of China and the Ukraine exploiting my Vice Presidency and everyone is pretending it never happened. Which is great for me. Even the Republicans are pretty much pretending there is no reason to even investigate and I have to say, I appreciate y'all. Except for the Republicans. We will probably be silencing them anyway, but I think I'm getting ahead of myself.
I hate to keep doing this, but I was just passed another note saying that I shouldn't mention the family thing until we clear it through the New York Times, CNN and some others that it's still okay. I think it should be because they will be writing about Trump for years. So, whatever I said about my family deal, just never mind for now and we will get back to you.
Can I talk about my lying? No? Well, you know what? I'm the vice president. Uhhh, I'm the president, and I don't think anyone will care I said this. All we have to say if anyone gets upset is say "But, "Trump" or "Insurrection!!!!" or "Racist!!!!" Really doesn't matter. We are so close to the media, they might as well be my mother.
But, of course I lied about Trump being responsible for the deaths of every American who died of Covid-101 or, sorry, Covid-109. I mean - folks, look, it's a worldwide epidemic. Worldwide. Every country is fighting it and no one really how to do it. I don't. Dr. Fauci has said a lot of things wrong and the CDC keeps changing their mind too. Do masks really work? I think they do, but who knows? I'm only wearing one because Jill said I had to. Man, Trump shut the border as soon as possible while the rest of us were calling him names like xenophobe. Now, honestly, I don't know how he feels about germs or what that has to do with shutting the border, but it was a good idea. Not that we will tell the American people. When this goes live . . . excuse me. We are live? Well, cats out of the bag then. Doesn't matter. Watch this - "But Trump," "Insurrection!!!," "racist!!!" See, no one cares anymore. I'm serious.
Let see, what else did I lie about? Oh, blaming Trump for the insurrection. You know, I didn't read his speech to those guys - who is going to do that? And, son of gun, people believe it. Weird, right? But, I know he didn't say go attack congress because I mean, are you nuts? Seriously? I mean, we have to say he did or we will get attacked by the radicals and some of them are pretty scary. I mean, not that AOC is scary, but she is president now. What? Well, why do I take orders from her then? You know what? Let's move on.
Oh, this is important. Sorry about the whole communism thing. If there is one thing Americans don't want to be is communist, but, somehow, from what I hear anyway, I got a lot of them on the team because, well, the Veep told me I have to and let's face it . . . she's not a white male. I have a note here to myself reminding me to say White Male like it's a crime. White Male! To be honest, and I will never lie to you from now on -- I was kidding before, just joking around - it turns out I'm a white male, which was never clear before Dr. Jill explained it to me this morning. I don't really get why I say White Males like I do, or why I am blaming them, but I think someone said I was supposed to. Hard to imagine who. Could even be a white guy because, and I'm serious, I'm a white guy.
And, okay, you got me, I lie about Black Lives Matter every day. Now, I was serious that looting and burning and stuff is not protesting. I didn't lie about that. I mean it. But, you have to be reasonable. I mean, BLM and Antifa are going to riot, and cause hundreds if not thousands of deaths and murder some police - within reason - yes, within reason. It's not like when the "insurrectionists" killed one cop and pretty much got slaughtered themselves. Who's going to stop BLM? Me? I can do 25 pushups without a break but I'll never get re-elected if I go down that path. It's not so bad except I have to have dinner with Al Sharpton a lot. I'm going to let you in on a little secret as long as we keep it between ourselves. It's not okay that Carmela, my own VP, has called for more from BLM and it's not alright that A . . . ABC goes around talking about ending free speech as we know it and you know, the whole re-education camp thing and the whole sociology thing the kids talk about. I know that. My parents didn't raise a knucklehead. But, I'm kind of scared of them. You'd be too if you were a 79 year old White Male! over his head.
I can't make a lot of promises to you and its not going to be a lot of fun with the added pressure of knowing that Kaballah is one phone call to a psychiatrist from declaring the 25th amendment - I mean, now that we know it means whatever Nancy Pelosi says it means. And, don't think they aren't right either. I'm serious. I have trouble remembering how long I've been a patient of Dr. Jill, never mind being the president of the United Nations. No, I'm kidding, I know we are in the United Kingdom or . . . Magic Kingdom? You know, that thing. And I know Jill's my wife, though, between you and me, it wasn't pleasant the night after I mixed her up with my sister in front of the entire country. Jill's the second best thing that ever happened to me, although, now that I think of it, not sure my kids will appreciate knowing that she's even number two. She might have been number 1, but I had to promise her I would not put women in a pelvis to pelvis hold or put my hands so close to their breasts that even Donald Trump got douche chills. Whatever. I'm president now. Somebody stop me. I'm serious. Except you, Koala.
But, let's get to my main point. I'm here to talk about unity. Unity. It's a really groovy thing. And by unity, I mean that every man, woman and child, whether black, white, red, yellow . . . What? Native American and Asian? When did that happen? They are all colors. You must be joking. Okay. I made my wife mad. You guys know what that's like. As I was saying, every man, woman and child of every color, race, ethnic group, IQ or credit score, every good-hearted American, should bind to one another . . . and kick the living crap out of every White-Supremacist Trump loving Neanderthal in the Republican Party. No, I'm serious.
Now, let's party like its 1917!
That was spot on. And illustrates how dysfunctional our politics have become. I think with strict term limits and enforcement of non-delegation a lot of the issues could be mitigated.
ReplyDelete